One of the lines to Amazing Grace went “I once was blind but now I see”. I believe that line to be very fitting for myself since the night of the 30th, in many ways. The events that transpired allowed me to see my true feelings for Erica, her true feelings for me, and the true colours of all those around us.
To simplify, the whole emotional aspect of it was no different from having something right in front of your face in the fridge, but somehow looking through it or past it. Or having your car keys stare you in the face, whilst you search high, low, and blame all and sundry for misplacing them. I’m sure there are many of us out there whom have had love stare them straight in the face, hiding in plain sight, but yet….. we just could not, or perhaps would not see it.
Sometimes the blindness is self perpetuating. It’s not so much that we don’t see it, it’s that we don’t want to see it. The opposite of seeing things that aren’t there, it’s not seeing things that are. Maybe it stems from the fact that we think the situation is too good to be true. Maybe it’s because we’re too afraid to get our hopes up. Maybe its because we think that because we’ve lost all faith in ourselves, that others have too. I used to mock those whom lay back and endeavour to see shapes in clouds. Perhaps, I could learn a thing or two from them.
After that night, to my huge surprise, Erica and I resumed contact throughout her trip overseas. From small messages back and forth, to short conversations, and finally to lengthy ones. She spent hours on the phone with me when she was in Hong Kong, much to open question from her parents as to whom she was speaking to for so long. We talked about many things, and for the most we managed to keep it flowing as we used to do. But naturally, the whole situation with G and the others kept rearing its ugly head. I kept searching and seeking for signs as to what her intentions where. To see if I had any hope of pursuing a relationship with her on her return. But I couldn’t see it.
For someone whom is normally the optimist eternal, I chose to see the worst in the situation. That she was only talking to me as payback for the friendship I shared with her during her time of need. For when I was always there when she needed me to be, without needing to be asked. I chose to see that she wasn’t here on the phone with me because she wanted to be, but that she owed it to me.
Behind the scenes, things were getting pretty messy between myself and Hairul. We traded vicious blows between each other via email. I apologised, he threatened. I apologised more, he threatened again. Until I couldn’t take the sheer hypocrisy of his words any more and retaliated. For all his grandstanding and threats of bodily harm, I told him that if he wants to hit me. Go ahead, I won’t stop him. I deserve it. And he kept saying if it wasn’t for Erica he would. Fair enough, but obviously he felt he needed to reiterate those threats time and time again through every email and SMS until I hit breaking point. I told him that the time for his own need for self served justice had passed. That if he wants to take a shot at me now, he better come prepared because I will be swinging right back.
And now, we’ll visit the back story on Hairul. Basically, his arguments for his feelings against me were that I slept with Chiu, G, and Erica. And that they all had boyfriends. His additional gripe with me was that he had previously warned me that he thinks that G wanted to sleep with me, but that I just laughed it off. And I said that I wouldn’t do it, also since I knew her bf I, though not very well. Basically he asks what type of a piece of shit does that?
Now let’s look at Hairul. Hairul is the most arrogant and self serving person I’ve ever met. He’s the only person I’ve ever met whom goes around boasting to everyone, guys and girls, about the size of his knob and the fact that it’s circumsized. That’s right. He’s that sorta guy. I mean, I couldn’t make this up if I tried, just ask Erica. He actually makes an effort to tell everyone (within our group and out) about how big his penis is, and on top of that ask them if they’ve ever tried being with an circumsized one, and about how good it is. And he does this again and again, even to the same person! Just ask Erica how many times he’s told her and the other girls about his wang! Who the hell does this kinda shit??? He loves the limelight, and wants it at any cost. He’s always bragging and grandstanding about the women that are lining up for him, and that he’s juggling at the same time. He boasts to everyone about how he deliberately manipulates people to his own ends. Now people may do those things, but it takes one with a special sort of arrogance, to brag to all and sundry about them.
Now lets start with him and G. He’s quite close to G and her bf IG. For all his words to me, EVERYONE suspects that he’s slept with G. As much as he refuses to admit it, all signs point to that fact. The last bit of proof I needed was seeing how comfortable she felt in her see through lingerie in front of him. And unlike me whom is not close friends with IG, he on the other hand is.
The argument as to who sleeps with someone elses gf as well is totally moot coming from his mouth. Because only a few days earlier, in front of Erica and myself, he confessed to sleeping with one of his close friends gfs. Not IG’s, but another one, this guy called Mark. So this isn’t just speculation, he admitted on his own accord that he slept with his friends gf…. the hypocritical fucker. And it’s not like they were breaking up, because the couple are still going out and still going strong and her bf doesn’t know.
He also brags of sleeping with his boss when he was working at his old company. A woman with a husband and child. All this and also of random other women whom he thinks is interested in him.
Now back to G. After I slept with G, he tried to boycott her as well. He was angry at her for a reason I don’t know. One of the girls in the group, Karen (the one who took my top off at the gay club), is very close friends with G. Because she on occasion complained about G (because no friends are perfect), Hairul kept firing at her after the incident about why she’s so two faced. Why is she still seeing G when she should cut all ties with her.
This is coming from Hairul whom to everyone seemed to be good friends with G, but used to boast to us behind her back that he actually doesn’t like her very much, but is just making use of her penthouse and big screen TV. His words from memory were something along the lines of “Even though I don’t like her, why would I cut her off when I can make use of her place?”, and the boast once more about how clever he was.
Now I know I’m painting a dark picture of him right here with no recourse or avenue for him to defend himself, well too bad. It’s my turn know and I have the always objective Erica to validate my words. I met many people in Singapore whom knew him, and the best ANYONE could say about him was that “Oh he’s not that bad”. These are the words of token loyalties from high school times. Everyone I’ve asked about him in Singapore, whom didn’t share these loyalties, say that did not like him at all. One common theme from those that do know him, even his “friends”, is that he’s very cunning, manipulative, and is a compulsive liar.
He used to tell all of us what great friends he was with Karen’s bf, this guy called Allan, whom had moved back to SG. That they were the best of buddies and that they would do anything for each other. He made it sound like they were best friends. When I finally met and asked Karens’s bf if he was close to Hairul, the answer was no. They were friends of circumstances here, like most foreign students abroad, but that’s about it. It was nothing like how Hairul made it out to be.
Oh, and I almost forgot, by absolute coincidence, he knows my first gf Annelies. They were in the Singapore society in Uni together. She said that he actually tried to make moves on her once when she invited him over, and she had to push him away. He contradicts this by saying she tried to make moves on him. I sure know who I believe…. the girl whom I loved, dated for 2 years, knew inside out, and is one of the nicest girls out there.
Erica tries her best to mount a defence for him and I ask her what she has to say in Hairul’s defence, as someone whom has known him for about 10 years? The best she could say was that…. actually… nothing! I asked her in all the years she’s known him, has he EVER done anything for anyone that was truly unselfish? And it’s sad, that she had to admit no. Everything that he has ever done has always been for and about himself. He borrows money from others, and tries to get away without paying. He even owes me money to this day.
Besides Erica, there’s one person here whom reads this blog that is probably going to spring involuntarily to his defence out of those old school loyalties I speak off. All I can say is this, there are stories, and incidents, involving him and people you personally know which you are not aware off. But those whom know are not at liberty to say as they have been sworn to secrecy. So don’t be too quick to defend a person whom you’ve only known within the confines of a school, where people have yet to show their true colours as they are still in development.
He is one of the few people I’ve ever met whom I can now honestly say does not deserve a place in humanity. Now to have this absolute piece of shit patronise me, with hypocrisy dripping from every pore in his body, was a tough thing to take. I sucked it up, I apologised, and apologised again until I could take it no more. I put up with it for the sake of Erica, for the sake of keeping the peace. But everyone has their limits, and I eventually hit mine.
I basically told him he could shove his threats up his ass, and I’ll continue to try to make things right with Erica. This is between me and her, and is completely none of his business.
At this point in time, communication from Jon and Ming were also starting to wane. Initially they were totally supportive of me trying to make things right, saying that what I did didn’t affect our friendship. Eventually the lies Hairul spread which revolved around me being the one to seduce G, started to get to them, and the communication from the others eventually ceased. Chiu I actually informed myself about what happened. I actually contacted her the next day after I slept with G as I wanted her to hear it from me first. If me sleeping with Erica really hurt her, her finding out about myself and G was going to compound that pain.
Chiu was actually in South Australia at the time on holiday when I told her. She was shocked, and called me 10 sorts of idiot. She sounded quite fed up with my antics, and told me we’ll talk when she got back to Sydney. When she got back, she decided the friendship was over. She felt that I preyed upon her, Erica, and G. As much as I tried to explain the differences between each of those situations, she couldn’t get rid of the feeling that she was cheated by me. That everything I said to her, everything I did for her, was all a ruse to get into her pants. It really made me sad as I truly treasured her friendship and as I tell Erica from time to time, to this day, I still miss her.
Ming, Chiu’s boyfriend, the other character in the play, was fine initially with me sleeping with G. He just tried to reassure me that things would blow over. I think he used to have something for G as he would comment to me from time to time that he found G was quite attractive, something I personally never agreed with. I never found her hot at all. She was just average to me. I mean, she’s definitely not unattractive, but I wouldn’t consider her hot. Eventually communication from him stopped as well.
There is a reason I found out later, much later, that goes a long way to explaining why the communication stopped, beyond what Hairul had been telling them. But I’ll get to that in another upcoming part as it ties in with something else.
I eventually asked Erica if she was willing to catch up with me for dinner when she got back. She agreed, but to me sounded a little be unsure. That may have just been me being paranoid more than anything else though. And so I started to prepare for her return. To find a place that would be classy, yet not stuffy. Fun, but yet not romantic. This was a time to rekindle a friendship, and not to ignite a relationship.
And so we finally start to come full circle. For those of you whom have read the Anniversary post I put up last year, it may have been a little confusing. Hopefully now it will provide more insight as to what I meant when I posted “12 Months” and the more self explanatory “1 Year Anniversary”.
12 Months- http://ptechnix.livejournal.com/11392.html
1 Year Anniversary- http://ptechnix.livejournal.com/11648.html
This is an excerpt from “1 Year Anniversary” which summed up the night quite well, and saves me the need to type it all over again!
I was awaiting her return back from Singapore, and was hoping for a chance to explain things that have been mis-explained (if that is a word) by others. A chance to fend for my own pride and reputation of which others had tried to maliciously destroy. So when she said yes to dinner, it was with a mixture of fear that it may be based on pity, for perhaps she owed me for friend I was to her in her previous dark times, and elation.
At this time, to me anyway, chocolate fountains were a rare novelty to me and thus I searched high and low for a classy buffet in Sydney that had one as part of their dessert. And thus, we ended up with a table booked at the Shangri-La Hotel in the Rocks.
So on the day I picked her up after work, parking the car at the hotel and meeting her downstairs at her place of work which was only a short walk away. She called to say she would be finishing late. She never finishes late. So naturally I nervously thought that she was postponing meeting me as it was something that she was doing reluctantly and regrettably. Finally she turned up, and as expected, it was rather awkward.
I took her to the Blu Horizon bar on Level 36 of the hotel for cocktails. Conversation was somewhat laboured, and I began to worry. The cocktails, venue, and view however were magnificent. We then moved onto dinner. Now I am a buffet man. I live for this moment, it is my time to shine. I destroy plate after plate and nothing gets in my way. For the yanks I am like the might of the US Army against the innocent middle eastern civilians. Or for the japs I am like the might of Godzilla against innocent fake looking cardboard buildings.
I hardly ate. The world could see I was stressed. Post dinner we went on the scenic walk to the Opera House were we ended up staying for about 3-4 hours just chatting. Finally there was a sense of normality returning to our friendship. We talked and laughed. It was like old times. The weather was chilly and there was a sprinkling of rain falling from the night sky. I took every opportunity to put my arm around her under the pretense of keeping her warm. But… I just wanted contact with her. Any contact. We laughed with our faces close to each other many a time… and each time I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Like I’ve done many times before. But I couldn’t do it.
It was about 3am when we decided we should go, and all the while I kept wondering if she really had wanted to go all along, but was afraid to say so. So I was the one who suggested that we adjourn. We walked back to the hotel, picked up the car, and I dropped her home.
Little did we know that this night. This one night… where I made a choice to fight for what I believed in and all I hoped for, instead of following the threats and advice from others and leave, I believe changed my life.
And it was that night, staring at Erica. Looking into those eyes that had the sparkle of a thousand stars….. that I think I realised that I hadn’t just fallen for her, but that I had fallen in love with her. And that if I was going to have the woman of my dreams, I would have to seduce her…. for the last time. The last time I would ever seduce any woman for the rest of my life.