I’ve been having bad stomach cramps yesterday and today. It’s kinda like sharp stabbing pains in my gut but not so bad as it’s painful, more like very very uncomfortable. Not only pains, but I’ve been backfiring like a 30 year old Datsun and bronzing the ceramic interior of my throne all day long. At first, I put this down to the rapid dieting change since I got back from NZ but really didn’t think it could be, as it has been pretty healthy so far.

Then I thought it may be my mild lactose intolerance acting up from the skim milk, then realised it started yesterday and I didn’t have milk until today. I questioned if it could be the Xenedrine metabolizer conflicting with the sudden change in diet, but was unsure as I used to crash diet with the Xenedrine and never felt these effects before.

It only hit me right now….. it was that damn 5-6 week old egg I threw in my instant noodles the night I got back from New Zealand! Now I’m no stranger to old food. My most famous instance was many years ago, driving back to Melbourne after being in Sydney for a few weeks. I was absolutely ravenous after that 10 hour drive and the first thing sitting in front of me when I opened the fridge was an uncovered piece of salami that had turned slightly green.

God only knew what possessed me but I just stared at it, shrugged it off, and ate it all. I didn’t even bother to cut off the green face, I just scoffed it all down. Oh boy…. did I regret that for the next week. You’d think I would have learnt from this experience. But the following years proved that I didn’t. And so came bout, after bout, after bout of quite easily preventable food poisoning. I eat food left out in the open for days in the heat. I drink soup left to sit in the pot unheated for days in the summer that has funky scum on the surface. I eat food that’s fallen on the floor, and I overall… well…. just seem to eat anything. I even used to let my dog take turns licking my ice cream with me during my teens….

Erica has tried to drum into me from the time we met the ill eating habits of which I possess, and to a certain extent I have improved. She’s always giving me disapproving looks and blasting me when I’m about to put something that obviously has been tainted into my mouth. But on this occasion, it was Erica’s fault! Ha!

I actually asked her if the egg was too old to eat, and that I think it probably was. But she asked me to crack it open and if it doesn’t smell funky it’s probably okay. Whoa! Boy was I surprised, I mean, it’s like we totally swapped bodies for that moment right there! And so I cracked it open, ate it, and here I am now. Stenching up the house like Rotorua and whining like a little bitch.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve had food poisoning, thanks in no small amount to Erica’s guidance. It’s like visiting an old friend…. Hello stranger…. it’s been a long time.