Prior to to our HK/China/Macau trip, Erica and I dropped by the LFI Wellness Santuary (or whatever it’s called) to sign up for a plan. Well actually Erica went to sign up, I just tagged along for laughs. LFI is a place where fat people go to get their self esteem back. Okay I kid. But though that sounds a bit harsh…. at the end of the day it’s nothing more than a glorified fat camp.

Emily signed up for a program at LFI a few months back and the results were incredible. She dropped 13kg and 3 dress sizes in about 3 months. She’s now the lightest she’s ever been since she was about 14 or so…. which is pretty incredible. Emily looks fantastic now and when I first saw her after the changes I couldn’t recognise her. She came to pick us up at the airport when we first arrived in December. Erica and I were sitting down waiting for her when I saw this girl from behind walk past. The slouch looked really familiar but she was about half the size of Emily. So discovering that it was in fact her was a complete shock!

Normally I’m quite skeptical of all this slimming centre bs but looking at Emily something definitely had to be working! She just looks great and so…. small! Anyways, Erica (and I for that matter) are just a wee bit *cough* overweight with just an extra love handle or two (or three or four or five or six….) and so decided to sign up for the same course. I mean if Emily could last the distance, surely Erica could as well.

The LFI place looked every bit the fat camp you’d expect it to look with the obligatory before and after pics of assorted fatties on the wall. Though one thing that I think is really really cheap though is the fact that they deliberately stretched the before images of the said fatties horizontally so they appeared even more horizontally challenged that they really are.

I mean, the place no doubt gets results. So why the need to digitally molest the photos in such a poor fashion? It just makes LFI look like cons! Anyhow, Erica had to jump on this machine which scanned her body for all her vital statistics. It basically tells you your entire body composition in detail as it is now and what the optimum readings for your body should be. Cutting a long story short, the machine told us that Erica was fat…. not to sugarcoat it or anything.

Curiousity got the better of me and I put my hand up to jump on the machine too. After a minute of the scanning taking place the results were in. The machine says…. *drumroll* that I too am a fatty. Screw you machine!!! You’re not the boss of me!!! I don’t entirely trust the thing as it weighed me in at 75kg back then and told me I had to lose another 11kg.

WTF? That would leave me at 64kg which I believe for me is grossly underweight. So that machine can kiss my sweet behind. Either way, Erica forged ahead with the program which would begin when we got back from our trip… which is now. The plan for her is 3 shakes a day, some tablets, and no food/snacks/sweets/sugar for 2 weeks whilst undergoing acupuncture to stimulate the metabolism. After two weeks she’s allowed 1 meal a day of healthy stuff. The rest I couldn’t be bothered paying attention to.

I decided I’ll do the shake bit but screw paying money and doing the rest of the program. So from yesterday we’ve both been downing the meal replacement shakes which hasn’t been too bad. I’ve been having one meal a day and Erica none. The funny thing is that after taking the pills and drinking the shake your shit comes out green. That’s right you heard me, we’re like a couple of glow worms except without the cool radioactive effect.

Our poo is the consistency of half melted ice cream (because it’s imperative that you all know that), and smells really funky. It smells… kinda sour for lack of a better description. It’s all quite odd and is part of the detoxing process. Now admittedly I could probably skip the shakes, eat normally, and just go running and do some jumping jacks but well I can’t be stuffed and it’s just too hot out there. Plus I’m a big fan of rapid results.

Now many people have told me that I don’t really look fat and to a certain extent that’s true. But there are two things that are evidence to the contrary. One is the double chin, and the second is the scales. The scales never lie and if I took a bullet right now I’d be bleeding gravy all over the damn place. My pants don’t fit and even the fat holes on my belt are crying out in agony. No…. it’s diet time.

I think the main thing that is going to keep Erica focused on keeping true to the shake diet is her sister. Just looking at Emily everyday is enough incentive to keep on trucking along because she’s a walking testament that fatties don’t have to always be fat… or have to live under bridges and in caves away from society feeding on discarded chocolate bars, small animals, and orphaned children.

To be sure I’ve told Erica time and time and time again that I don’t care what she looks like, I’ll still love her all the same. Thin, slim, portly, fat, big enough to have her own planetary gravitational pull…. my love for her will remain the same. BUT…. if she’s big, she’ll get less sex. Now don’t you all look at me like that!!! Sex does NOT equal love. Attraction does NOT equal love. There is probably a stronger correlation between attraction and sex than love and sex. To really really generalise, love = more hugs whilst attraction or lust = more sex. That’s right from the pages of the book of me… be sure to order your copy now.

No one can deny that a healthier woman is a sexier woman. And men and women alike are more attracted to people whom are fit and healthy…. unless you’re into the whole fatty fetish thing then well….. yucks. I mean… as a guy, purely generally speaking, I know I’d prefer seeing a lithe sexy siren prancing around the room in sexy lingerie as opposed to a walrus caught in a shark net. Erica is overweight, no question about that, but she’s not like crazily overweight. Better to start now with less to lose than further down the track with possibly far more to lose. So yeah… diet time!!! It’s going to be a long two weeks for me and an even longer two weeks for Erica but I know it will all be worth it in the end. Don’t get me wrong I’m still very very very attracted to Erica and I still see more action than a prophylactic vending machine in a college dorm but would I find her more attractive if she was in a healthier weight range? Of course yes.

Speaking of prophylactics, one of the requirements of the “program” is for Erica to come off the pill. Because of the way the pill regulates hormones it’s something that can also play a huge part in either weight gain, or interfering with weight loss. So off the pill she goes and unfortunately for me we all know what that means…. Condoms!!! Arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t stand the damn things!!!! Unfortunately there’s no way around this as Erica doesn’t want kids yet and the pull out method just isn’t safe enough… no matter how much I try to sell that option 😛 Sigh… ahh well…

Anyway, the light at the end of the 2 week tunnel for Erica is going to be a buffet of oysters and sashimi… nice and healthy and still tres yummy! Well that and hopefully more rogering than she’s had in recent memory… hopefully 😉