For me, it’s very important to feel that I’ve communicated my point across clearly, regardless of the topic of discussion. There’s nothing worse than misinterpretation of what a person is trying to say and as such do my best to reduce the chances of that happening. As most have noticed, my blog posts, replies, and arguments can all be somewhat drawn out and long winded due to my natural emphasis on ensuring a person tries to understand my point as clearly as possible. And as such, try to pack as much emotion, logic, and detail into my words as I can.
During those months that Anne and I were sleeping together, I was still in contact with J. Or perhaps more accurately she was in contact with me. She wanted to know all the nasty details about my relationship with Anne and what we got up to, how was the sex, etc etc. I called it as I saw it and told her exactly what I felt. That the sex though good, felt meaningless and I preferred it with her. We talked as friends, and more often than not fell back into the old boyfriend/girlfriend conversational routine. She would tell me how much she still wanted me and I told her how much I still cared for her and constantly apologised for doing what I felt I had to do. She eventually got used to this and we made the most of the situation for what it was.
After deciding to call it quits with Anne, or to end our sexual liaisons anyway, I picked up the phone and called J. I did not do so with the intention of getting back together, but I just felt that I had to tell her the situation. And so I told her that as much as Anne wanted a relationship, I just couldn’t give my heart to her because it, as much as I wished otherwise, still belonged to J as it always has. And that as much as I don’t know whether life with J would ever work out, I know that I just could not force myself to even try for a relationship with one girl whilst my heart was with another.
I told J that I just wanted, no…. needed her to know this. As could be expected, J told me that I had basically made her the happiest girl in the world just by telling her this, and of course wanted to re-conciliate and resume our relationship to which I agreed. She told me that the last few weeks were just so hard for her, knowing that she may lose me forever and that she wanted to try again and try to make it work. And so we did.
One of the other more amusing discussions (in retrospect) we had was that she wanted to go clubbing a lot more when she got back. Because she’s been the most overweight she’s been in the last few years that she’s been her whole life, her self-confidence wasn’t exactly what it used to be. In Korea, she said she’s lost a fair bit of weight and had noticed quite a few guys staring at her which was a feeling she hadn’t felt in the longest time.
She told me she really missed the attention and wanted to put herself in an environment when she got back to Melbourne where she hoped to receive it again. She used to be a huge party girl but was quite over that stage in her life when I met her. I’m the furthest thing you could get from a party boy and so going to clubs was something we never did. Truth be told given her history, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of her wanting to go clubbing without me for the sole purpose of getting male attention to boost her self-esteem and confidence, but well…. it’s her choice and it’s not up to me to tell anyone how they should live their life. And so I said we’d talk about it when she got back to Melbourne.
The memory of the day she arrived back in Melbourne still sticks in my mind because the sex we had that day was both mind-blowing as well as refreshing. It was filled with the emotion I missed from the physical grindings I had with Anne. Plus on top of that, prior to J heading to Korea our sex lives had already started to dry up, leaving me very frustrated at times and just feeling she wasn’t into me anymore. When we did have sex, it was almost just…. by rote. I never thought it could be like the heartfelt, passionate lovemaking of the early days again, but it was.
For the next couple of weeks life was great. It was as if our relationship had begun anew and I was truly truly happy. We hardly fought, we relished and appreciated each others company, and one could say we were a like a new couple in love all over again. Until one day, I received that fateful call.
I still remember this day clear as a bell. I was situated at the Cadbury Schweppes Head Office on St Kilda Rd during that week when I received a phone call from one of my close friends Dave. He asked me if I was online on MSN. I answered “No” and asked him why. He told me that if I’m not online at the moment, I’d better get online very very quickly because apparently I’m currently logged on under the name of “Merrill The Cheater” and am in the process of messaging everyone on my list, basically telling them I’m a no good cheating bastard. Uh Oh…..
I thanked Dave, dropped all the work I was doing, told my manager that an emergency had just cropped up, and bolted straight home! Little did I realise, walking through my front door, that I had just entered the gates of hell.
A category 4 hurricane had nothing on what I walked into that moment. J had turned into an absolute storm of blind fury. She was shouting, screaming, and just throwing things everywhere. It was absolute chaos. I tried to calm her down but she was having none of that. She was screaming at me, pushing me, and throwing all these papers with something printed on them in my face. I told her to calm down and asked her what was wrong. And that’s when she yelled at me that she had been through my ICQ chat logs…..
Oh shit…. I know where this is going and knowing J…. I’m going to be in a world of hurt. Basically, J didn’t discover anything new that I haven’t already told her. But it’s one thing to know of what went on between Anne and I as described by me, and it’s completely something else for her to actually see for herself the conversations that took place been Anne and I. The outpouring of my heart to a friend, the intimacy of our conversations, the flirting between two adults, and the sexually charged dialogue between two lovers.
In a sense I can understand. Putting myself in her shoes, I’m completely okay with the knowing every little detail of Erica’s sexual past with her ex for example, but if I should read transcripts of their sexual conversations, I may very well feel a tad uncomfortable. I assume anyway. But either way, J was fury personified.
She was calling me all sorts of names under the sun, and calling Anne even worse things. Over the walls of the bedroom she had stuck print outs of the transcripts. She was pushing me, striking me (though no where near as bad as previously where she drew blood), and just going plain nuts. I didn’t know what to do, I know J and understand that it was a good bet that no matter what I said or did, it was just going to inflame her even more. It was easy to recognise when she was beyond control and just spoiling for a fight, and this was one of those times. And so I apologised and apologised and apologised. I begged her to calm down and just apologised profusely for I don’t even know what. It was an apology for anything and everything just to try to calm her down. It didn’t work.
I mean, I had already told her everything about my relationship with Anne prior to this and there’s nothing more I could say. But it was going on for so long that I know it would only be a matter of time before I hit breaking point and started retaliating. And god only knows in the situation what that may lead to. It may very well be a reaction worse than that of the Hadron Collider causing the Earth to implode!
And so I huddle myself into a corner, hugging my knees with my head bowed between them, and pretending to be so apologetic that I had begun to cry. Hopefully this pitiful act of sincerity would cause her to calm down. I even had chokes and tears and everything. It eventually worked, though not before copping more abuse such as being kicked and her shouting gems such as “get up you fucking coward”. When she saw it wasn’t working, she finally calmed down to a mere category 3 huff.
She told me it was over and to get the fuck out. Right then and there, I was just thankful the storm had blown over and that I was able to leave without having a kitchen knife impaled through my balls. I quickly gathered my most valuable of possessions, jumped in my car, and got the heck outta dodge. I didn’t know what she expected or what she wanted me to say! I mean, I understood her reaction, but it’s not like she discovered anything new! What the fuck did she expect from snooping through my chat logs? I ended up calling Jason, one of my riding buddies, whom put me up for the week until I could find a new place to stay. Thanks Jase. I really really appreciated that buddy, and that you tried so hard to make me feel welcome and at home in your place.
The next day at work I got a call from Anne asking me what was going on. I asked her what she meant. She told me that J had messaged her on ICQ or MSN on my account, impersonating me, and was trying to elicit as much information from her as possible. It didn’t take very long before Anne saw through the entire charade and told J as such.
Once again, as expected, J didn’t take it too well…. calling Anne ten types of whore and just about every other derogatory name one could possibly call a woman. Anne told me that she refused to tell J anything, and sent through the log of their entire conversation to me. Reading the transcript, there is no measure of the respect and admiration I felt of the way in which Anne conducted herself. Her sense of dignity, pride, and maturity in the face of J’s torrential abuse was just incredible.
J was calling her things that just made me cringe and Anne just refused to take the bait. She didn’t bite back, not even once. She just simply told J time and time again that she was sorry if she had hurt her, but unfortunately she’ll have to speak to me if she has any questions. She reiterated again and again that she’s not in a position to comment on what happened between us, and to just take it up with me. It was calm, polite, professional, and mature. And this just seemed to burn J up even more until she signed off after a final attack.
Anne apologised to me for causing any trouble and I did my best to reassure her, thank her for the way in which she conducted herself, and that she had done nothing wrong and need apologise to no one.
A few days later I found myself a place at Clifton Hill. It was a 3 bedroom townhouse that was sub let by the primary tenant there. It was a married Singaporean couple whom were the biggest fucking tightasses that I have ever met in my life, an Indian girl whom had one of the hottest bodies I’ve seen in my life, and now me. It was a nice place that was close to the freeway entrance, the train station, and the city. Pity about the prick of a landlord…..
J and I didn’t speak for almost 2 weeks, but all her close friends kept calling me and telling me to hang in there. They told me that J still loved me, talked about me and that she would come to her senses. I was really really touched by this gesture. Normally after a scandalous affair such as this, I would have thought a girl’s closest female friends would normally tell her the guy wasn’t worth it and all that. And so having these girls really supporting me and trying to get her back with me….. it was really touching. It was probably one of the big catalysts for me developing the mindset that led to this post here.
We eventually ended up reconciling and patched things up. I still maintained my rented room as a backup for the next 5-7 months or so even though I almost never stayed there. To give myself some space because seeing as J was fickle and unpredictable at the best of times, I didn’t want to give up my room just yet in case she changed her mind again. Eventually when things seemed to be going well, I gave up the room and things officially moved back in with J.
I cut my ties with Anne for the sake of our relationship and told her it would be best if we didn’t see or contact each other anymore, which was something I’m quite sad about as I really hate losing close friends that I bond and mesh well with in every way, and whom care as much for me as I do for them. But I had to make the sacrifice for the sake of my relationship with J as I knew it was something that she couldn’t handle. Anne understood, and it would be the last real conversation that I would ever have with her. As much as she couldn’t understand why I chose to remain with J, she supported my decision and wished me the best.
Soon, unbeknownst to us then, it would be time for us to move to Sydney. And with that, the beginning of the biggest episode of getting fucked over that I’ve ever experience in my entire life……