And so dinner with my ex went swimmingly and with no complications, as the naysayers would have me believe. It was just as with all the dinners I’ve had with her before it. Fuss free. But then, why wouldn’t it?
If I had any real suspicion or inkling of our time alone together presenting a credible danger, I wouldn’t have gone. As a man locked willingly and happily into a permanent state of Onegina for the rest of his life, I was as sure as sure could be that nothing would have happened, but still prepared for it nonetheless.
But anyway, this whole thing is a non-issue. I raised the whole topical issue of how there still seems to be this over-cautionary or negative stigma attached to people meeting their ex’s. We had a very good talk about it and she shed a perspective that, while glaringly obvious, was one that I never directly considered.
And that was the way that demonstrations of security impacts a partners response not only to a person meeting their ex, but also meeting those of the opposite sex. It was such an obvious and focal concept in the issue, that I facepalmed myself for not identifying it previously for further analysis.
Stigma and irrational fears aside, a girl, purely for example, is far more likely to accept or be comfortable with her partner seeing his ex (or any girl), if he has provided her with an adequate amount of security. The sense of safety and security a girl feels in her relationship is a factor of paramount importance as to how comfortable she is with her partner off having a possible dalliance with another female.
This theory I believe by the way holds true for both men and women. So assuming that a guy is the reticent sort whom isn’t the most effective and overt communicator of his emotions and affections towards his better half, it’s very much understandable that she would have a higher level of insecurity and fear. In the case of my mum, maybe she feels the way that she does because my dad doesn’t show his affections or emotions for shit. Which he doesn’t.
Naturally this isn’t always the case, and there are many reasons for why people feel the fear and trepidation that they do towards their partners meeting their ex’s, but I’m positive it’s in many cases a large influencing factor. But that being said, I think everyone, regardless of gender, should ask themselves the most important question of why they feel the way that they do. Not just about this, but about everything.
For better or worse, for wrong or right, I think everyone needs to know exactly why they feel the way that they do. I don’t believe in knee jerk reactions. Sorry, what I meant was, I don’t believe in the blind acceptance of knee jerk reactions. I suffer from knee jerk reactions just like any other person, but I think it’s always important for me to ask myself why, and apply some level of logical analysis to that.
Am I jealous because of the scars of my past, or perhaps the scars of her past? Am I jealous because my partner hasn’t demonstrated the affections and security I need to place in them the utmost trust? If I trust them, but not the other party, then what can I do to resolve that and yet be fair? What can I do to take my relationship to a place where I can feel more secure? Why is a peanut, which is a legume and not a nut, called a peanut? And what’s up with airline food?
All these questions are ones that we should be asking ourselves. Thankfully, Erica is perfectly fine (so she says), with me meeting my ex’s as well as other girls, and me with her doing the same in reverse. I’d like to think, only now, that my actions have had a part to play in this happy acceptance. I have always made consistent efforts, daily efforts, to demonstrate my commitment and affections for her. And though there are times when naturally I probably take her for granted, I try to be aware of those times and remedy them on sight.
I never had a problem with my psycho ex meeting other guys. And even after she cheated on me, and I took her back, I told her that by taking her back, I have to give her my complete trust again, as hard as it was. Because to me, that is what love is. Complete trust. If I was to take her back and issue directives such as, you’re not allowed to see so and so, or have single time with guys again, then I shouldn’t be taking her back.
I realised last night that my actions then were based on logic and belief, but not faith. And I would continue to do the same for every girl after, as that is what I truly believe. However, the difference between that and now is that, I have no qualms with Erica going off and doing the same based on a combination of logic, and also faith and understanding.
Last night I realised after our talk that I am so comfortable with Erica going out and about because she makes me feel safe, and secure. She is constantly communicating her love, affections, and devotion towards me, and it was something that I’ve probably been taking for granted.
Because she’s always filling me with unsolicited reassurance and security, it doesn’t even occur to me that any guy would pose a threat. And rest assured, there are many many many many many other guys out there whom are far bigger and better men that I could possibly ever hope to be. Oh don’t get me wrong I definitely do suffer from bouts of insecurity, especially given my current situation and knowledge that Erica deserves far better, but she acts quick to recognise and quash that. But that’s in general and rarely ever related to her. But more so a byproduct of my bouts of mild depression, and the way I viewed myself.
I guess in the end what I’m saying is, as per usual, question everything. There’s never any true wrong and there’s never any true right. We shouldn’t live in fear of the things that we simply don’t understand, and usually that’s ourselves. I guess if both parties feel the same way, then no problems. But it’s good to still ask yourself why you feel this way.
My concern is that so many of my male friends have for want to meet female friends or for females, their male friends, but they have been forbidden to do so. Or reluctantly allowed to do so. An optimumly happy relationship this possibly couldn’t make. So if you have a fear, I think everyone should be asking themselves why. For we can only better ourselves with a better understanding of ourselves.
For now, I’m glad at the lessons or facts that my ex helped me to realise last night. And as she had long ago helped to make me the man I am today, she has now once again helped me to be the man that I am striving to be. A man that never wants to take his wife for granted. And that is what a friend is for. And an ex is none but a very very good friend.
P.S I only got home at 4am after going out with another friend post dinner. My mom had thought I had slept over at my ex’s. Her reaction was lols!